God's Grace for My Messy Heart

So, I am beginning to understand (after much perplexity), why I just cannot seem to get this Christian life together. After all, I’ve been a Christian now for 39 years. By now, I should have figured it out - you know, “practice makes perfect”, right? WRONG!!!

Camping in the Dirt 

Before I go any further, you must know about a camping trip I went on with my entire family 31 years ago. This story will help both of us (you and I) sort out the spiritual truths I’ll be referring to later in this post.

First, let me set the scene for the camping trip. Our youngest child was 2 years old at the time. My husband and I had four children in tow. Also, camping with us were both of my siblings - my sister, Kate, her husband and their three children and my brother, Richard, his wife and their three children. Our parents also joined us. As an added point of interest, all three of us siblings had daughters born in 1980 who were, all three of them now two years old (or very close to being 2).

We camped up in the mountains, surrounded by beauty. You know the scene - an infinity of pungent pine trees in countless shades of green, a beautiful glassy indigo lake, big billowy white cotton-like clouds. You’ve been there, right? But there was more dirt, more fine brown powdery, yet clingy earth than there was anything else. Dirt was absolutely everywhere - on the ground, in our tents, in the trees hanging over our heads, in our shoes, on our picnic tables, and all too often on us as well.

The three two-year-olds had a blast! Laura, my brother’s daughter, was the oldest. Next in line was our daughter, Bethany, and youngest was my sister’s daughter, Stephanie.

Can you imagine three toddler girls, all dressed in pretty pastels, looking so cute, hanging close to their mommies in this new, unfamiliar and strange place? Well, imagine again. Two of the toddlers did just that. Two of the three barely took a single step away from Mom. Two of the three stayed clean because they didn’t venture out.

But one of the three decided she just had to take in more of the campsite and the mud puddles and, well, more of the dirt. Can you guess which toddler? Of course, it was my munchkin! Bethany was all over the place. As a result, dirt followed her everywhere. Cute, demure little thing - blond hair, blue eyes, button nose, sweet smile, dressed in pink - covered in dirt!

So I gave her a bath, as difficult as that was in a place that had no showers. But scrubbing the dirt off only gave her new opportunity to refashion herself with fresh muck all over again. Off she’d go, tumbling to the ground, and of course, that meant the front and back of her clean clothes, her hands, face and other surrounding body parts were once again gritty and grimy. She reminded me of “Pig Pen”, the Peanuts character that has the “air” of dirt always floating about him whenever he walks. Dirt followed my toddler. It hung like a dark cloud above her. But she had fun, and she also had so many baths!

Bethany and I got to know each other more on that camping trip than in the previous two years since her birth. She was continually in my arms as I scrubbed her clean all over again. She loved to explore and discover and I wanted that for her as well. But I also wanted to her to be clean, though I knew a little dirt wasn’t going to hurt her. After all, we were camping and dirt happens when you camp. It is just so very prolific.

Living Below in This Old Sinful World  

Now that you have that picture of my toddler daughter, you’ll also have a picture of me, here below in this sinful world. Not only am I surrounded by sin (dirt), but I still have a remnant of sin within me - a propensity to sin, buried deep in the recesses of my heart that is inextricable. Though Christ has delivered me from a lifestyle of sin, which I loved, I do still sin. And I sin everyday.
 

My Sin is Different Now That I Know Christ 

My sin is different now, however. No longer am I running after sin and embracing it. I now run after Christ and embrace Him. No longer do I love my sin. I now hate it and I adore my Savior. I want so much to bring Him glory. I want so much to do His will and be used of Him. I want so much for His love through me to impact others so that they too can know Him and His extravagant grace. And how I long to worship Him!

My sin is different now. My sin is much more inward now rather than outward. (Of course, lest you get the wrong idea, I also sin outwardly. Just ask Robert. No don’t, on second thought!) Now my sin consists mostly of grumbling about some silly thing that has annoyed me; or an attitude toward my husband that is disrespectful (there, I said it); I am ungrateful; and pride rears it’s hideous head every day in my heart. When I am obedient, I congratulate myself - pride. When I worship in song with the saints, my thoughts are elsewhere, not on the Lord. Or, worse, I am thinking how others, hearing me sing, must be so blessed. (Oh! I said that too - so prideful and blasphemous!). Oh, how I hate that! So even my obedience is tainted with sin.

My sin is different now. It seems so much worse than ever before. Shouldn’t I be sinning less and less? I always thought so, but my experience tells me otherwise. So am I not a Christian? These kinds of thoughts can even become sinful when I choose to focus on me, instead of on my redeeming Savior.

My sin Is different now. Though it seems like I sin more than ever, I also confess more than ever and quicker. Quick to sin, quick to confess and be cleansed from all my unrighteousness. Then, clean, like my two-year-old munchkin camper, I go and get dirty again. Ugh!!! It seems like the cleansing I experience is just a new opportunity to get dirty all over again. Oh, may it never be!

But my sin is different now. I no longer make so much of my sin, though I take it seriously. My sin never has the last word. My Savior and his matchless grace always have the last word to my heart. Where sin abounds, God’s grace much more abounds! How that gladdens my soul! I make much over His grace, not over my sin. My sin simply points me all the more to God’s love, patience, mercy, forgiveness, grace and compassion for me. And my love for Him increases daily because of His greater grace.

Sinless Perfection - Not God's Will for His Child

When He saved me, my Heavenly Father could have transformed me in an instant to be sinlessly perfect. But He did not. He allowed that remnant of sin to remain deep down in my heart, never to be extricated by me in this life (or by Him). But why? Because God uses our sin to demonstrate His superfluous grace to us sinners. I keep on discovering how deep and dark my sinful tendencies are, how depraved I really am and how I need the Savior. And that is exactly what God wants so that I can continually be rediscovering His grace toward me - so much more encompassing than my sin, so much more startling than my sin, so much more abounding than my sin. In continuing to come to grips with these two opposing realities - my sin and His grace - God has made it clear that all glory rightfully goes to Him. Without Christ, I literally can do nothing of any eternal value! There will be no bragamonies in heaven.

So What Hope Do I Have of Freedom From Sin?

Oh, I am just a camper here below. God continues to bathe me, clean me, and show His glorious, compassionate face to me in those cleansings. And then I get dirty again. And again my Savior cleanses me. He is so precious. He is so close.

Like Paul said in Romans 7:24–25a: “I am absolutely miserable! Is there anyone who can free me from this body where sin and death reign so supremely? I am thankful to God for the freedom that comes through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!”

Freedom comes through our Lord Jesus Christ! Freedom from the guilt of sin. How I used to beat myself up over my sin, so depressed because I could not change. But each time I sin, His grace for forgiveness shines and I see Him more clearly. I do not sin because of that, but when I do sin and confess my need for Him, He becomes even more precious to me. Seeing Him in that way, I apprehend more grace and strength by His Spirit to combat my sin. In that “depending” process of leaning on the Everlasting Arms, I am becoming more like Him. He is my hope alone! And He is working my sin together for my good (Christ in me) and for His glory.

2 Corinthians 3:18 says it so well: “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” 

Humility, Dependence and Gratitude

So, obedience or the “victorious Christian life” is not what I am focusing on now, or more importantly, that is not what God is focusing on for my sanctification. How proud I would be if, setting my mind to be obedient, I actually was (fat chance!). No, God’s broader desire for me is humility, and a greater and greater sense of my dependence upon Him, and a heart of gratitude. That comes by me beholding my Savior.

Obedience isn’t my focus for when it is, I simply find that it evades me. And if I do somehow manage to obey Him outwardly, I will have a heart full of pride. When, instead, I focus on God’s grace and mercy because I so desperately need it, I see more and more of Jesus and, by His Spirit, I will be more and more transformed into His likeness. Obedience then becomes a byproduct, not something I accomplish because I set my mind on it.

Set Free to Worship Without Disturbance  

One day, when I see Him face to face, His glory will permanently cleanse me from all remaining sin. He will wash me whiter - inside and out - than any garment can be bleached in my washing machine. Oh, oh, oh, what a glorious day that will be! No more will the hindrance of sin interrupt worship! No longer will obedience be a struggle. No longer will I sing, “I long to worship Thee”. I will worship without any disturbance to my soul. Never again something I long for, worship will be realized - effortless and glorious when I behold His precious face. What a Savior!!!

But for now I am camping here below, keeping my eyes up, off the dirt and on the beautiful scene of my Savior’s love, grace, mercy, compassion and forgiveness for me at the cross. And oh, what a magnificent view it is!

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

God's Grace for My Messy Heart

on October 29, 2013 1 comments

The Terrible Thirst of Depression

First, My Hesitancy

Depression is not only a dessert-tsunami of the soul that seems to sweep away everything good in one's life, it also carries such a stigma that, even after being resolved, it inflicts a great deal of shame upon its victim. For that reason, I have to admit that I've been hesitant about publishing this post.

We tend to keep depression hidden even from ourselves. It's uncomfortable to talk about or even admit, especially for a Christian. When I finally opened up, it was remotely, through a blog I contribute to once a month. So though this post was first published on Keeper of the Home back in January of this year, I have been tentative about putting it on my own blog. Many of the women who read this blog are from my own church and I've wondered how it would be taken. Fears about what they would think crop up and I shrink back.

However, what I'm beginning to realize is that every time I get up the nerve to share this story with women I'm close to, I see tears welling in their eyes and hear them say things like, "Sharon, you're describing my life."

So I'm putting myself out there. I pray that God can use the period of depression He allowed in my life to edify, minister to and encourage other women. Here's my story...

An Unquenchable Thirst

Some months back, in a conversation over lunch, a younger woman (mid-thirties) confided to me how severely depressed she had been. I empathized with her, "I know what that feels like. I was depressed, until recently, for about four years." This woman - I'll call her Liz - responded, "YOU!? I never would have guessed it!"

She and many others never knew because I had covered it up. You know, Christians are not supposed to get depressed. As an older woman and leader among the women in my church, I was ashamed that such a thing could happen to me. I just kept smiling and saying things were fine. I wouldn't even admit the depression to myself, thinking of it, instead as "a time in the wilderness".

Like so many, I had experienced the terrible, unquenchable thirst of depression. I thirsted for God, but at the same time I wanted nothing to do with Him; I thirsted for joy, for the tears of sorrow that just wouldn’t come, for life, for death, for isolation, for comfort, for cleansing, for hope, for complacency, for passion, for sanity, for any kind of escape from the numbing prison of desolation I felt.

My friend, Liz, asked me, "How did you get better? Please tell me everything." The following is what I related to her and now to you, dear reader.

An Attempt to Resolve the Depression Through Diet, Sleep, Supplements, etc.

When I first began to realize that my melancholy wasn’t just a slump that would pass, I tried to treat it by adjusting my lifestyle. I recommitted to eating an optimum diet and faithfully took my supplements, which included, cod liver oil, vitamins D3, E, C, CO-Q10, magnesium and a once daily multi - all of which were high-quality pharmaceutical grade.

Sleep evaded me. Falling asleep was no problem. Staying asleep was, waking by 1 AM. I made changes to my schedule, consumed no caffeine, made sensible adjustments to the times we ate meals, etc., and of course consistently asked God to allow me to sleep. But it was not to be.

By dinnertime I was dead on my feet, "Surely", I would think, "I'll crash and sleep well tonight". But that was never the case. And taking a nap was an exercise in futility.

I read good books such as Tired of Being Tired implementing the suggestions for depression. But this approach was of no avail. Though I maintained the changes, I knew there was something deeper going on.

Thirsting For a Silent God

Worst of all was the alienation I felt from God. For many years, I had tasted of the goodness of the Lord on a daily basis - so connected to Him. I thought that nothing would ever change that. I so wanted that intimacy back.

When I read the Bible all I felt was the sting of a silent God. I thirsted for Him, but found no help for my parched soul. Guilt weighed heavy on me as a result of failing to connect with Him.

At one point I decided to read John Piper's book When I Don't Desire God, How to Fight for Joy but I couldn't work up the desire. Sounds funny, but there I was caught in that spiritual-oxymoron. I wanted God, but I didn't. It made me frustrated and angry that He would not disclose Himself to me.

My Lifeline

During this four-year period, I continued to teach a women's Bible study, not by choice, but because the Lord simply would not allow me to step out of ministry. Though it was extremely difficult to stay put, it was definitely God's tool for keeping my head above water, so to speak.
I absolutely dreaded teaching and who knows what the women got out of it. But as I studied, God encouraged me just enough to not give up on life. He fed me for others, but He was silent in the times I sought Him for myself.

Ministry became my lifeline. I remained connected to God’s people and to His word. But there was no joy in it and I felt like such a phony, such a hypocrite, which added more guilt to the depression.

Things Got Worse – Distractions and Cynicism

As this all progressed I began to discover many "good distractions". Blogging, digital photography and scrapbooking were some. I actually preferred the distractions. I knew this was nothing short of idolatry, but there seemed to be no way out.

Like David, I cried, “How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death…” (Psalm 13:1-3).

An ugly cynicism swept over my mind and I doubted that I was even God's child.

What's Wrong Lord? 

That gave me a little hope. I knew I could look nowhere other than to Jesus. Like Peter, I told Him, “Lord, to whom shall we [I] go? You have the words of eternal life…”.

David's prayer became my own, “Search me, O God, and know my heart...see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

This was the prayer God had been waiting to hear. It became my continued cry and He began to expose my heart. Over a period of several years, He revealed to me what I had not seen in myself – attitudes of unforgiveness, bitterness and pride. These were slow-burning, subtle attitudes that had formed over a period of years, so none of it had been obvious to me.

Along with these revelations, God granted me repentance and restoration. As He peeled back the layers of my offenses, I thanked Him for His sanctifying work. But it seemed like joy would never return.

A Book, Childlikeness and Joy

Though I had been forgiven for harboring bitterness, etc., I had not been able to reconnect with the Lord. I yearned for sweet times of fellowship, but I just couldn't seem to make it happen. My mind wandered, distractions prevailed and guilt compounded.

Then, in the spring of last year, God directed me to a book during the time my husband was in Uganda on a short term preaching and teaching mission. A Praying Life – Connecting with God in a Distracting World by Paul Miller, caught my eye. Just the title ministered to me.

For the next two weeks, I cried and prayed my way through the book. God used it to release me from my prison of self-imposed guilt. With this book, He reminded me that I simply needed to come to Jesus messy, like a little child comes to his parents.
           

Image by usmcmorningstar

Miller writes, little children, "...come just as they are, totally self-absorbed. They seldom get it right...God cheers us when we come to Him with our wobbling, unsteady prayers...Don't try to get the prayer right; just tell God where you are and what's on your mind. That's what children do. They come as they are, runny noses and all. Like the disciples, they just say what is on their minds. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy...Jesus opens His arms to His needy children..."

So, with all my messiness, I ran to Jesus. And, O, how my soul soared. And the joy that came flooding in! I am now more tender toward the Lord than ever and He continues to make Himself known to me day by day in His word.

"If any man thirst, let him come unto me and drink." (John 7:37)

There are no words to express my thanks to God for His goodness. Even in His silence, He was shepherding me, leading me in His paths of righteousness, drawing me unto Himself and beside the streams of Living Water whereby my thirst was finally quenched.

Spurgeon said, "Thirst is terrible, but Jesus can remove it. Though the soul be utterly famished, Jesus can restore it."

Yes! He can and He does.

Have you recovered from depression? If so, how did that happen?

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

The Terrible Thirst of Depression

on May 17, 2011 4 comments

How to Read Your Bible by Ruth Graham Lotz

"The unfolding of Your Words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple." (Psalm 119:130)

"You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever." (Psalm 16:11)

Let Ruth Graham encourage you, as she teaches how to read your Bible. This is basically the inductive Bible study method.

You might want to start by deciding on a book of the Bible to read through. Set aside a time each day to meet with the Lord and plan to meet with Him at the same place every day. Like Ruth Graham in this video, read just a portion of the book - 4 or 5 verses - and then study those verses by asking the questions you've learned here: 1) What does the passage say - list the facts; 2) What does the passage mean?; 3) What does that passage mean to me? What lesson applies to me in the passage?

Don't set an end date to have your Bible book read. Just be faithful to meet with the Lord daily and work your way through the nook, passage by passage, notebook at hand. When you finish, you will basically have written a commentary on the book you've studied. It will be for you something you can refer back to in months and years to come.

Make sure to pray before you start and as you answer the questions, be personal in your answers, applying the lessons to your own circumstances. Besides the commentary you're writing, this will also be a diary to look back on in years to come. It will be a testimony of what you were facing at the time and how God faithfully carried you through the trial or time of waiting, etc.

"For Ezra had set his heart to study the Law of the LORD, and to do it and to teach His statutes and rules in Israel." (Exra 7:10)

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

How to Read Your Bible by Ruth Graham Lotz

on February 16, 2011 0 comments

He is Able to Keep You From Falling

Reading Spurgeon this morning greatly encouraged me. This past week has been brutal and I have found it difficult to keep my head above water. I keep running back to the throne of grace for mercy and forgiveness.

Take a few moments to be lifted by God's gracious word and Spurgeon's imparting of it:

"Able to keep you from falling."

Jude 24

In some sense the path to heaven is very safe, but in other respects there is no road so dangerous. It is beset with difficulties. One false step (and how easy it is to take that if grace be absent), and down we go. What a slippery path is that which some of us have to tread!

How many times have we to exclaim with the Psalmist, "My feet were almost gone, my steps had well nigh slipped." If we were strong, sure-footed mountaineers, this would not matter so much; but in ourselves, how weak we are! In the best roads we soon falter, in the smoothest paths we quickly stumble. These feeble knees of ours can scarcely support our tottering weight. A straw may throw us, and a pebble can wound us; we are mere children tremblingly taking our first steps in the walk of faith, our heavenly Father holds us by the arms or we should soon be down.

Oh, if we are kept from falling, how must we bless the patient power which watches over us day by day! Think, how prone we are to sin, how apt to choose danger, how strong our tendency to cast ourselves down, and these reflections will make us sing more sweetly than we have ever done, "Glory be to Him, who is able to keep us from falling."

We have many foes who try to push us down. The road is rough and we are weak, but in addition to this, enemies lurk in ambush, who rush out when we least expect them, and labor to trip us up, or hurl us down the nearest precipice. Only an Almighty arm can preserve us from these unseen foes, who are seeking to destroy us. Such an arm is engaged for our defense.

He is faithful that hath promised, and He is able to keep us from falling, so that with a deep sense of our utter weakness, we may cherish a firm belief in our perfect safety, and say, with joyful confidence,

Against me earth and hell combine,

But on my side is power divine;

Jesus is all, and He is mine!

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

He is Able to Keep You From Falling

on October 09, 2010 0 comments

"Let Them Come Home" - Encouragement for the Parents of Prodigals

Abraham Piper has written a great article about loving and winning your prodigal to Christ. Let Them Come Home is a stunning piece by John Piper's son which includes the younger Piper's own experience of being away from "the father's house" and his return home. Take time to be encouraged, especially if you have a prodigal daughter or son or simply want to minister to a friend or loved one that is out in the "far country".

Find the article here.

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

"Let Them Come Home" - Encouragement for the Parents of Prodigals

on June 17, 2010 0 comments

He Restoreth My Soul - Some Passionate Honesty

A Dry Spell in the Desert
We all struggle in like manner as Christian women. As for me, I have just come from a very long trek in the desert - a spiritual desert that often had me wondering if I was even God's child. It felt like the "valley of the shadow of death".

We have all had these kinds of wrestlings, I know. That is why I am going to be completely transparent in this post...for the encouragement of those who are currently in the desert for a time of testing. This is not unusual. What we must remember is that it is God's Spirit who leads us into the wilderness and and it is He who will bring us out. Even Jesus underwent a season of testing, being led by the Spirit into the wilderness for this very purpose (Matthew 4:1-11).

A Need for Restored Love
For sometime now I have felt so defeated in my walk with the Lord. I think the bottom line is that I had lost my First Love for the Lord Jesus. Consider what Revelation 2:2-6 says, "I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false.  I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary.  But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.  Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent."

Just like the saints at the church on Ephesus, by God's grace, I had not dropped out of ministry. Every opportunity was taken to minister God's word to the women in my Bible study and on other occasions (though I had no desire to teach). I was working for His name's sake. And God always blessed His word to my heart and to the women. But there was no joy and I felt like such a phony, such a hypocrite, all because of that lost love for Christ.

Freedom to be Honest
The women's study I chose for this year was Seeking Him - Experiencing the Joy of Personal Revival by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. God put it in my hand as a tool for my own restoration. From the start, I told the women in the study that I was the one in need of that work. I finally had the freedom to be honest with them and with God and no longer felt like a phony.

But still, like I mentioned, the joy just wasn't there. The only reason I opened God's word was either out of guilt or to study for teaching. If I did actually crack open God's word in between the women's Bible studies, I felt so empty after reading, like God was just not in it. I simply had no desire to read, though I really wanted that desire. How I longed to regain the joy of His salvation, which was King David's desire also, and to sit again at Jesus' feet, like Mary of Bethany. "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit." (Psalm 51:12) was my constant prayer.

Things Got Worse - Distractions, Cynicism, and Hidden Sins
For years past, I had tasted of the goodness and tenderness of the Lord on a daily basis - so connected to Him for so long. I thought that nothing would ever change that. I so wanted that back. But then the Lord impressed upon me that I should not want to go back, I should want a walk with Him that was even better than the majority of years I had been so close to Him. This is what I kept asking Him for, but things didn't get better. They got worse.

At one point I remembered that we had John Piper's book When I Don't Desire God. I thought about reading it but couldn't work up the desire. Sounds funny, but there I was caught in that spiritual-oxymoron. I wanted God, but I didn't. It made me frustrated and angry that He would not disclose Himself to me.

As this all progressed I began to discover many "good distractions". Blogging, digital photography and scrapbooking were some, etc. I actually preferred the distractions. I knew this was nothing short of idolatry, but I could not seem to escape.

An ugly cynicism kept rearing its head as well as other sinful attitudes. I continued to confess these known sins, but I knew there must be hidden sins that I was unaware of. I began to plead with God that He would expose those to me. One hidden sin He had revealed - a distrustful attitude toward a spiritual leader - but that had been several years back and I had repented and dealt with it. I knew that there must be more because God only disciplines for good reason. He does not enjoy my sorrow in the midst of it, but He knows it will result in righteousness and peace for me. 

During the horrific recovery from my knee surgery, I knew exactly what God was doing, though I was still in the dark about those sins that I was unaware of. I would weep, knowing that the pain was given to drive me to Him and it did.

Layers Peeled Away
But it wasn't until my mom died suddenly in November, after the infection and pain were relieved in my knee, that the Lord really began to show me more hidden sins. As each was revealed and I repented I would wonder if this was the restoration I had been waiting and yearning for. There was immediate joy, but it would fade within days and I was right back where I began, or so it seemed. (Just so you know, there were three things that the Lord showed me that I had not seen at all before - attitudes that I had held onto that did not glorify Him. Of course wrong attitudes also manifest outwardly. But I was not out in the world living in gross sin, so to speak, though my sin was gross to God and also to me once He had uncovered it for me.)

I knew God was peeling away the dead outer layers of sin  - like I peel an onion to make it ready to use. But nevertheless, I felt so defeated. I told God that I simply could not be holy as He commanded and asked Him why He expected it of me. "I have no desire to read Your word, so how can I live as I ought without that joyful input that I need? Lord, I am starving spiritually and You are not reviving me. How long, O Lord, how long will you wait?"

Confidence in God's Faithfulness
And then the Lord reminded me to be confident that "He who began a good work in you, will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). So I placed my trust in Him, "Lord, my confidence is in You. I trust you to sanctify me and conform me to Your Son. You will give me back the desire for Your word; You will restore me; You will revive my joy in You; You will rekindle my First Love." I reminded myself of that truth (Philippians 4:8) every time my heart began to sink back in to despair. Just resting in Him this way brought such peace to my soul.

Choose
On this past January 31st the Lord did restore me. I knew immediately that the struggle was over. What had been so difficult for me (no, it was impossible), God did in an instant. It started early that morning, just before a morning shower, when He, through an email from a dear sister, brought to my attention part of Joshua 24:15, "...choose for yourself today whom you will serve..."

As I showered, I contemplated the verse, but not as it applied to me, rather as I thought it applied to someone else who, in my wise opinion, needed to take a stand on something. So as I was praying that verse for that other person, the Lord abruptly interrupted me and impressed upon me my need for the application of Joshua 24:15. He spoke to me, "Be still, daughter. Don't you realize that it is you who needs to decide today, this very day and each day beyond today, who you will serve? Will you choose to serve Me or yourself?"

Green Pastures and Quiet Waters
WOW!!! What a cleansing shower that was. I hadn't been that clean in a while and that was even before I started to lather up.

What a simple yet powerful word "choose" is. So I asked the Lord to put that one little word on my heart and in my mind every morning when I woke. And He has. He made it so simple. Now every morning I make my choice, the only sane choice. Like Joshua said, "...as for me...I will serve the Lord."

This has been so refreshing, so motivating, so restorative. I am once again absolutely delighting in the Lord and in His precious word. I am again sitting at my Savior's feet and hearing Him speak to me through His word. He has restored my joy in Him. He has given me back my First Love. He, as my Shepherd, has has led me to green pastures and quiet waters for a repast that is plentiful and rich. It is even better than before for one of the hidden sins God revealed had long been gripping me, even when I had walked so closely with Him, before He led me into the desert. Now nothing seems impossible.

My Encouragement to You
Please do not give up if you are living in the desert of joylessness. Here are some practical ways you can begin to be guided through that valley of the shadow of death and into God's green pastures:

1. Keep asking God to restore you.

2. There may be sin that you are unaware of. Ask Him as David did, "See if there is any wicked way in me and lead in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:24). Be honest with God when He reveals those things and repent. Be prepared to let Him reveal more also. Also, ask Him to grant you repentance. (Romans 2:4; II Timothy 2:25)

3. Stay in ministry for it is often through ministry that you will be restored. God did it that way for me. Ministry forced me to remain connected to the body of Christ, kept me going back to the word and ultimately drove me to be honest with the women I taught, with God and with myself.

4. Be confident that the Lord works to restore His precious child through discipline. Do not fight against it. Give yourself to it. (Hebrews 12:5-6, 11)

5. Finally, place your trust in the Lord and in His faithfulness to restore you. You cannot do it, but He is more than able. "He restores my soul." (Psalm 23:3).

God not only restored me but also gave me a sonnet (it can be sung to the tune of Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing) about His work of restoration:

Lord, Restore Me

How I’ve wandered, Lord restore me,

To the One who loves my soul.

How I long again to praise Thee;

Come, O Savior, make me whole.

(Chorus 1)

Chorus 1:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.

Prone to leave the God I love.

Here’s my heart, oh take and heal it.

Glorify Your name above.

Long it’s been since joy departed;

Far too long I’ve gone astray.

Lord, revive my love whole-hearted.

Do this work in me today.

(Repeat Chorus 1)

Make me holy, help me seek Thee.

Lord, in You I put my trust.

I am weak, O God, renew me;

You are able, I am dust.

(Chorus 2)

Chorus 2:

Please forgive and, Lord, restore me

To my first and only Love.

Give me passion to adore Thee;

Ardor for Thy courts above.

Lord, each day I’ll choose to serve Thee.

You are worthy of my life.

By Your grace You have restored me;

And my joy, You have revived.

(Chorus 3)

Chorus 3:

Grace to love you, yes! I feel it.

Grace to cleave unto my Lord.

Here’s my heart, oh take and keep it,

Keep it now and evermore.

Copyright 2010 Sharon Kaufman

(Words in bold italics from original hymn, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, by Robert Robinson)

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

He Restoreth My Soul - Some Passionate Honesty

on February 20, 2010 8 comments