God's Grace for My Messy Heart

So, I am beginning to understand (after much perplexity), why I just cannot seem to get this Christian life together. After all, I’ve been a Christian now for 39 years. By now, I should have figured it out - you know, “practice makes perfect”, right? WRONG!!!

Camping in the Dirt 

Before I go any further, you must know about a camping trip I went on with my entire family 31 years ago. This story will help both of us (you and I) sort out the spiritual truths I’ll be referring to later in this post.

First, let me set the scene for the camping trip. Our youngest child was 2 years old at the time. My husband and I had four children in tow. Also, camping with us were both of my siblings - my sister, Kate, her husband and their three children and my brother, Richard, his wife and their three children. Our parents also joined us. As an added point of interest, all three of us siblings had daughters born in 1980 who were, all three of them now two years old (or very close to being 2).

We camped up in the mountains, surrounded by beauty. You know the scene - an infinity of pungent pine trees in countless shades of green, a beautiful glassy indigo lake, big billowy white cotton-like clouds. You’ve been there, right? But there was more dirt, more fine brown powdery, yet clingy earth than there was anything else. Dirt was absolutely everywhere - on the ground, in our tents, in the trees hanging over our heads, in our shoes, on our picnic tables, and all too often on us as well.

The three two-year-olds had a blast! Laura, my brother’s daughter, was the oldest. Next in line was our daughter, Bethany, and youngest was my sister’s daughter, Stephanie.

Can you imagine three toddler girls, all dressed in pretty pastels, looking so cute, hanging close to their mommies in this new, unfamiliar and strange place? Well, imagine again. Two of the toddlers did just that. Two of the three barely took a single step away from Mom. Two of the three stayed clean because they didn’t venture out.

But one of the three decided she just had to take in more of the campsite and the mud puddles and, well, more of the dirt. Can you guess which toddler? Of course, it was my munchkin! Bethany was all over the place. As a result, dirt followed her everywhere. Cute, demure little thing - blond hair, blue eyes, button nose, sweet smile, dressed in pink - covered in dirt!

So I gave her a bath, as difficult as that was in a place that had no showers. But scrubbing the dirt off only gave her new opportunity to refashion herself with fresh muck all over again. Off she’d go, tumbling to the ground, and of course, that meant the front and back of her clean clothes, her hands, face and other surrounding body parts were once again gritty and grimy. She reminded me of “Pig Pen”, the Peanuts character that has the “air” of dirt always floating about him whenever he walks. Dirt followed my toddler. It hung like a dark cloud above her. But she had fun, and she also had so many baths!

Bethany and I got to know each other more on that camping trip than in the previous two years since her birth. She was continually in my arms as I scrubbed her clean all over again. She loved to explore and discover and I wanted that for her as well. But I also wanted to her to be clean, though I knew a little dirt wasn’t going to hurt her. After all, we were camping and dirt happens when you camp. It is just so very prolific.

Living Below in This Old Sinful World  

Now that you have that picture of my toddler daughter, you’ll also have a picture of me, here below in this sinful world. Not only am I surrounded by sin (dirt), but I still have a remnant of sin within me - a propensity to sin, buried deep in the recesses of my heart that is inextricable. Though Christ has delivered me from a lifestyle of sin, which I loved, I do still sin. And I sin everyday.
 

My Sin is Different Now That I Know Christ 

My sin is different now, however. No longer am I running after sin and embracing it. I now run after Christ and embrace Him. No longer do I love my sin. I now hate it and I adore my Savior. I want so much to bring Him glory. I want so much to do His will and be used of Him. I want so much for His love through me to impact others so that they too can know Him and His extravagant grace. And how I long to worship Him!

My sin is different now. My sin is much more inward now rather than outward. (Of course, lest you get the wrong idea, I also sin outwardly. Just ask Robert. No don’t, on second thought!) Now my sin consists mostly of grumbling about some silly thing that has annoyed me; or an attitude toward my husband that is disrespectful (there, I said it); I am ungrateful; and pride rears it’s hideous head every day in my heart. When I am obedient, I congratulate myself - pride. When I worship in song with the saints, my thoughts are elsewhere, not on the Lord. Or, worse, I am thinking how others, hearing me sing, must be so blessed. (Oh! I said that too - so prideful and blasphemous!). Oh, how I hate that! So even my obedience is tainted with sin.

My sin is different now. It seems so much worse than ever before. Shouldn’t I be sinning less and less? I always thought so, but my experience tells me otherwise. So am I not a Christian? These kinds of thoughts can even become sinful when I choose to focus on me, instead of on my redeeming Savior.

My sin Is different now. Though it seems like I sin more than ever, I also confess more than ever and quicker. Quick to sin, quick to confess and be cleansed from all my unrighteousness. Then, clean, like my two-year-old munchkin camper, I go and get dirty again. Ugh!!! It seems like the cleansing I experience is just a new opportunity to get dirty all over again. Oh, may it never be!

But my sin is different now. I no longer make so much of my sin, though I take it seriously. My sin never has the last word. My Savior and his matchless grace always have the last word to my heart. Where sin abounds, God’s grace much more abounds! How that gladdens my soul! I make much over His grace, not over my sin. My sin simply points me all the more to God’s love, patience, mercy, forgiveness, grace and compassion for me. And my love for Him increases daily because of His greater grace.

Sinless Perfection - Not God's Will for His Child

When He saved me, my Heavenly Father could have transformed me in an instant to be sinlessly perfect. But He did not. He allowed that remnant of sin to remain deep down in my heart, never to be extricated by me in this life (or by Him). But why? Because God uses our sin to demonstrate His superfluous grace to us sinners. I keep on discovering how deep and dark my sinful tendencies are, how depraved I really am and how I need the Savior. And that is exactly what God wants so that I can continually be rediscovering His grace toward me - so much more encompassing than my sin, so much more startling than my sin, so much more abounding than my sin. In continuing to come to grips with these two opposing realities - my sin and His grace - God has made it clear that all glory rightfully goes to Him. Without Christ, I literally can do nothing of any eternal value! There will be no bragamonies in heaven.

So What Hope Do I Have of Freedom From Sin?

Oh, I am just a camper here below. God continues to bathe me, clean me, and show His glorious, compassionate face to me in those cleansings. And then I get dirty again. And again my Savior cleanses me. He is so precious. He is so close.

Like Paul said in Romans 7:24–25a: “I am absolutely miserable! Is there anyone who can free me from this body where sin and death reign so supremely? I am thankful to God for the freedom that comes through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!”

Freedom comes through our Lord Jesus Christ! Freedom from the guilt of sin. How I used to beat myself up over my sin, so depressed because I could not change. But each time I sin, His grace for forgiveness shines and I see Him more clearly. I do not sin because of that, but when I do sin and confess my need for Him, He becomes even more precious to me. Seeing Him in that way, I apprehend more grace and strength by His Spirit to combat my sin. In that “depending” process of leaning on the Everlasting Arms, I am becoming more like Him. He is my hope alone! And He is working my sin together for my good (Christ in me) and for His glory.

2 Corinthians 3:18 says it so well: “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” 

Humility, Dependence and Gratitude

So, obedience or the “victorious Christian life” is not what I am focusing on now, or more importantly, that is not what God is focusing on for my sanctification. How proud I would be if, setting my mind to be obedient, I actually was (fat chance!). No, God’s broader desire for me is humility, and a greater and greater sense of my dependence upon Him, and a heart of gratitude. That comes by me beholding my Savior.

Obedience isn’t my focus for when it is, I simply find that it evades me. And if I do somehow manage to obey Him outwardly, I will have a heart full of pride. When, instead, I focus on God’s grace and mercy because I so desperately need it, I see more and more of Jesus and, by His Spirit, I will be more and more transformed into His likeness. Obedience then becomes a byproduct, not something I accomplish because I set my mind on it.

Set Free to Worship Without Disturbance  

One day, when I see Him face to face, His glory will permanently cleanse me from all remaining sin. He will wash me whiter - inside and out - than any garment can be bleached in my washing machine. Oh, oh, oh, what a glorious day that will be! No more will the hindrance of sin interrupt worship! No longer will obedience be a struggle. No longer will I sing, “I long to worship Thee”. I will worship without any disturbance to my soul. Never again something I long for, worship will be realized - effortless and glorious when I behold His precious face. What a Savior!!!

But for now I am camping here below, keeping my eyes up, off the dirt and on the beautiful scene of my Savior’s love, grace, mercy, compassion and forgiveness for me at the cross. And oh, what a magnificent view it is!

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

God's Grace for My Messy Heart

on October 29, 2013 1 comments

A Ballad of the Soul

This poem tells the story of a bit of digging that the Lord did in my soul recently. First, a brief history. It is important but should also bring a bit of a smile to your face, as it did mine:

Some weeks ago, my dear husband and I were working in the yard together. I did not like an idea he had concerning an element that we were changing there. So what did I do? I defaulted to the flesh and criticized him. It was so unkind of me. 

Convicted of this immediately, I confessed it. But as I sat the next morning in prayer, the incident came back to my mind. I confessed it again, but what the Lord wanted was for me to see the depth of that "little" sin. So the digging began. 

He revealed that my harsh reaction indicated that the garden was way too important to me. My heart was still tied up with earthly things. Had this not been so, I would have responded kindly to Robert. After all, when things are not important to us, we have no problem letting go of them to prioritize what is eternal.

God opened my eyes to see that I had not yet counted all things loss as Paul had when he wrote in Philippians 3:8: Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ...

The word that Paul used for "rubbish" actually means "dung". I had not yet considered all things to be "dung" in comparison to knowing Jesus. And to show you how appropriate and timely it was for the Lord to convict me of this, I'll let you in on the fact that it was the compost bin that I criticized Robert about - the housing for the compost, which is just a pile, mostly of chicken dung (we keep chickens)! The Lord wanted me to count our garden dung as "dung" (as well as every other created thing) so that I would be freed up to have more intimacy with Christ, one result of which will be to display Him more authentically in my living. 

The Lord not only convicts us, but He does it in such creative ways! 

This Morning With the Lord in Prayer - 

A Ballad of the Soul

This morning with the Lord in prayer,

My soul was laid before Him there.

His tenderness brought to my mind

Some words I'd spoken - so unkind.

So I confessed my need for grace

And asked the Savior to replace

My harshness with His tender ways

So Christ would reign and Him be praised

With sin confessed, God then revealed

A problem that had been concealed

From my poor dull and careless heart.

"Please show me, Lord. Your light impart."

Then light He gave and to me showed

My treasure was still here below,

In this dark realm with things unworthy;

Not Christ above and His great mercy.

Just then Paul's words came to my head.

He yearned for Christ and this he said,

"The loss of all things I've sustained

So more of Christ will be my gain,"

On this I thought with new conviction.

And then I saw a ghastly vision - 

A life the opposite of Paul's:

No sacrifice for Christ at all!

No sacrifice for Him, I fear

Is not more earthly things revered,

But less of Christ and more of me...

If "things" I crave and to them cling. 

Oh dreadful thought, from me depart! 

Not more of my poor wandering heart.

No! Less of me, so often failing.

More of Christ, His grace availing.

More of Christ, my refuge here.

More of Christ, my heart to cheer. 

More of Jesus, precious friend;

More of Him to apprehend.

More of Christ, who loves the rebel;

Less of me, may I not wrestle

Against His grace so full and free.

Just give me Christ, my heart's one plea.

He is my joy, my strength, my song.

He paid my ransom. I belong

To Him, the One who loves my soul.

The Lamb, who died to make me whole.

If not for Jesus, life would be

Hopeless, heartless, dismal, bleak.

Sin would reign in days so grim.

My heart would follow every whim.

But give me Christ! His mind within;

And I will be much more like Him.

For He transforms my heart's desire.

His love is my consuming fire.

So let it all be sacrificed,

Since this will gain me more of Christ.

Yes, loss of all things, just like Paul;

My soul, with Jesus, be enthralled!

Yet this, my sacrifice is naught,

Compared to Christ's, with blood He bought

My forgiveness on the Cross.

Yes, it is nil, what I count loss.

So! Idols from my soul depart!

Please, more of Thee, Oh, Christ impart.

It's You I want, You are my life.

And death is gain, much more of Christ!

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

A Ballad of the Soul

on May 25, 2013 1 comments

The Terrible Thirst of Depression

First, My Hesitancy

Depression is not only a dessert-tsunami of the soul that seems to sweep away everything good in one's life, it also carries such a stigma that, even after being resolved, it inflicts a great deal of shame upon its victim. For that reason, I have to admit that I've been hesitant about publishing this post.

We tend to keep depression hidden even from ourselves. It's uncomfortable to talk about or even admit, especially for a Christian. When I finally opened up, it was remotely, through a blog I contribute to once a month. So though this post was first published on Keeper of the Home back in January of this year, I have been tentative about putting it on my own blog. Many of the women who read this blog are from my own church and I've wondered how it would be taken. Fears about what they would think crop up and I shrink back.

However, what I'm beginning to realize is that every time I get up the nerve to share this story with women I'm close to, I see tears welling in their eyes and hear them say things like, "Sharon, you're describing my life."

So I'm putting myself out there. I pray that God can use the period of depression He allowed in my life to edify, minister to and encourage other women.

Here's my story...

An Unquenchable Thirst

Some months back, in a conversation over lunch, a younger woman (mid-thirties) confided to me how severely depressed she had been. I empathized with her, "I know what that feels like. I was depressed, until recently, for about four years." This woman - I'll call her Liz - responded, "YOU!? I never would have guessed it!"

She and many others never knew because I had covered it up. You know, Christians are not supposed to get depressed. As an older woman and leader among the women in my church, I was ashamed that such a thing could happen to me. I just kept smiling and saying things were fine. I wouldn't even admit the depression to myself, thinking of it, instead as "a time in the wilderness".

Like so many, I had experienced the terrible, unquenchable thirst of depression. I thirsted for God, but at the same time I wanted nothing to do with Him; I thirsted for joy, for the tears of sorrow that just wouldn’t come, for life, for death, for isolation, for comfort, for cleansing, for hope, for complacency, for passion, for sanity, for any kind of escape from the numbing prison of desolation I felt.

My friend, Liz, asked me, "How did you get better? Please tell me everything." The following is what I related to her and now to you, dear reader.

An Attempt to Resolve the Depression Through Diet, Sleep, Supplements, etc.

When I first began to realize that my melancholy wasn’t just a slump that would pass, I tried to treat it by adjusting my lifestyle. I recommitted to eating an optimum diet and faithfully took my supplements, which included, cod liver oil, vitamins D3, E, C, CO-Q10, magnesium and a once daily multi - all of which were high-quality pharmaceutical grade.

Sleep evaded me. Falling asleep was no problem. Staying asleep was, waking by 1 AM. I made changes to my schedule, consumed no caffeine, made sensible adjustments to the times we ate meals, etc., and of course consistently asked God to allow me to sleep. But it was not to be.

By dinnertime I was dead on my feet, "Surely", I would think, "I'll crash and sleep well tonight". But that was never the case. And taking a nap was an exercise in futility.

I read good books such as Tired of Being Tired implementing the suggestions for depression. But this approach was of no avail. Though I maintained the changes, I knew there was something deeper going on.

Thirsting For a Silent God

Worst of all was the alienation I felt from God. For many years, I had tasted of the goodness of the Lord on a daily basis - so connected to Him. I thought that nothing would ever change that. I so wanted that intimacy back.

When I read the Bible all I felt was the sting of a silent God. I thirsted for Him, but found no help for my parched soul. Guilt weighed heavy on me as a result of failing to connect with Him.At one point I decided to read John Piper's book When I Don't Desire God, How to Fight for Joy but I couldn't work up the desire. Sounds funny, but there I was caught in that spiritual-oxymoron. I wanted God, but I didn't. It was frustrating to me that He would not disclose Himself to me.

My Lifeline

During this four-year period, I continued to teach a women's Bible study, not by choice, but because the Lord simply would not allow me to step out of ministry. Though it was extremely difficult to stay put, it was definitely God's tool for keeping my head above water, so to speak.

I absolutely dreaded teaching and who knows what the women got out of it. But as I studied, God encouraged me just enough to not give up on life. He fed me for others, but He was silent in the times I sought Him for myself.

Ministry became my lifeline. I remained connected to God’s people and to His word. But there was no joy in it and I felt like such a phony, such a hypocrite, which added more guilt to the depression.

Things Got Worse – Distractions and Cynicism

As this all progressed I began to discover many "good distractions". Blogging, digital photography and scrapbooking were some. I actually preferred the distractions. I knew this was nothing short of idolatry, but there seemed to be no way out.

Like David, I cried, “How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death…” (Psalm 13:1-3).

An ugly cynicism swept over my mind and I doubted that I was even God's child.

What's Wrong Lord? 

That gave me a little hope. I knew I could look nowhere other than to Jesus. Like Peter, I told Him, “Lord, to whom shall we [I] go? You have the words of eternal life…”.

David's prayer became my own, “Search me, O God, and know my heart...see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

This was the prayer God had been waiting to hear. It became my continued cry and He began to expose my heart. Over a period of several years, He revealed to me what I had not seen in myself – attitudes of unforgiveness, bitterness and pride. These were slow-burning, subtle attitudes that had formed over a period of years, so none of it had been obvious to me.

Along with these revelations, God granted me repentance and restoration. As He peeled back the layers of my offenses, I thanked Him for His sanctifying work. But it seemed like joy would never return.

A Book, Childlikeness and Joy

Though I had been forgiven for harboring bitterness, etc., I had not been able to reconnect with the Lord. I yearned for sweet times of fellowship, but I just couldn't seem to make it happen. My mind wandered, distractions prevailed and guilt compounded.

Then, in the spring of last year, God directed me to a book during the time my husband was in Uganda on a short term preaching and teaching mission. A Praying Life – Connecting with God in a Distracting World by Paul Miller, caught my eye. Just the title ministered to me.

For the next two weeks, I cried and prayed my way through the book. God used it to release me from my prison of self-imposed guilt. With this book, He reminded me that I simply needed to come to Jesus messy, like a little child comes to his parents.
           

Image by usmcmorningstar

Miller writes, little children, "...come just as they are, totally self-absorbed. They seldom get it right...God cheers us when we come to Him with our wobbling, unsteady prayers...Don't try to get the prayer right; just tell God where you are and what's on your mind. That's what children do. They come as they are, runny noses and all. Like the disciples, they just say what is on their minds. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy...Jesus opens His arms to His needy children..."

So, with all my messiness, I ran to Jesus. And, O, how my soul soared. And the joy that came flooding in! I am now more tender toward the Lord than ever and He continues to make Himself known to me day by day in His word.

"If any man thirst, let him come

unto me and drink." (John 7:37)

There are no words to express my thanks to God for His goodness. Even in His silence, He was shepherding me, leading me in His paths of righteousness, drawing me unto Himself and beside the streams of Living Water whereby my thirst was finally quenched.

Spurgeon said, "Thirst is terrible, but Jesus can remove it. Though the soul be utterly famished, Jesus can restore it."

Yes! He can and He does.

Posted by Sharon Kaufman

The Terrible Thirst of Depression

on May 17, 2011 4 comments